I try... :]

Do you ever have those moments when all the incredibly stupid things you’ve said/done/said-and-done (often come as a pair with me) hit you all at once? I’m sure I’m not the only person who will be drifting off into a peaceful sleep, dreaming of eating an entire tin of condensed milk whilst looking amazing in a bikini, kicking Lindsay Lohan in the shin, hi-fiving a panda and being proposed to by Channing Tatum (all at the same time) when…like an annoying Facebook poke from some middle-aged foreign gentleman you’re not friends with…your memory goes “Hey!!!….Hey Dumbass!…..Remember when you said/did/said-this-while-you-did-that…?? And remember this time??? And THAT time???”. And all hopes of sleep disappear faster than a fart in a fan factory. For the next half an hour to 3 days, I will agonize over all those excruciatingly embarrassing memories…

• Like the time a Northern Irish guy with a super strong accent said he was in town because his friend was getting buried… and I thought he said married… so said I hoped he had a great time and that the weather stayed good for it…
• Like the time I accidentally told a pregnant women, who was worried that she just looked fat instead of pregnant, that she looked too fat to be pregnant…
• Like the time I accidentally threw a 2 year old onto her face in front of her whole family… the day before she was a flower girl…. 
• Like the time(s) I gave some smart-arse remark over my shoulder as I left the room and walked into the door frame…
• Like the time I confidently told some poor tourists that they were definitely going the wrong way on the Picadilly Line to get to Heathrow Terminal 5 and that they better get off at the next stop…and then heard someone else tell them that no, they were going the right way and should stay on the train…then had to ride with them for 4 more stops…
• Like the time I walked in on a friend’s dad on the loo and instead of leaving immediately… froze on the spot and said… hello… 
• Like the time I said testicles instead of tentacles….

 There are many, many more of these moments, believe me. I am an idiot of the highest calibre. But it’s not really these embarrassing bloopers that keep me awake at night.

It’s the memories of the time that I was inadvertently patronising to a good friend. Of the time that I mocked a well-meaning teacher and then saw that teacher standing behind the crowd. Of the times that I was not a good big sister for my brother. Of the times I said something so full of self-pity, that all I could do was try my best to change the subject because my complete naivety was suddenly highlighted to both me and whoever I was moaning to. Of the times I disappointed my parents.

I haven’t always had the opportunity to apologise for these times, and that’s what haunts me the most.

How do you get to sleep after this? The only way I know is to hand it all over to God. To ask for His forgiveness and to ask Him to help me be less of an idiot.

And then to conjure up Channing Tatum on one knee… with a diamond ring in one hand… and a tin of condensed milk in the other…