I try... :]

Some song lyrics these days are ridiculous. Examples? Glad you asked:

“Boom, boom boom. Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.” (Katy Perry - Firework)

I’m going to have to stop you there Katy - I’m afraid your physics is a little squiffy. You see, the moon itself is not bright. That is, it does not produce its own light. Don’t worry about it - you have blue hair - nobody expects you to know about the moon. What we see when we look up into the night sky is, in fact, the sun’s rays being reflected off the moon’s surface. No troubles though – not difficult to correct – you just need to change the words: “Boom, boom, boom. Even brighter than the sun’s rays being reflected off the surface of the moon, moon, moon”. You’re welcome.

“Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world” (Rihanna - Only Girl)

There would be a heck of a lot of pressure that came with being the only girl in the world. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. You’d have to be co-anchor on every country’s news stations and breakfast shows. You’d be the only person supplying tissues or receipts from your handbag to people who needed to spit gum out or blow their noses on the train. You’d be the only one to buy flowers for, so eventually the world would be overrun with flowers and we’d all die a horrible hayfeverey death. I can definitely see some benefits though… you’d win all the gold medals in all the women’s Olympic events, even if you do run slower than a three-legged tortoise with M.E. and you only do forward rolls and enthusiastic clapping for your gymnastics floor routine.

Frankly, you would be in so much demand that you’d end up having a breakdown and then there’d be no other girls to talk you through it whilst applying face mudpacks and watch “Never Been Kissed” for the four hundred and seventy sixth time. I know there are guys that would happily do that, but they’d all be busy giving hair styling tips and replying to ‘agony aunt’ letters.

Finally, and this is the biggie, you would be responsible for re-populating the planet. Single wombedly. No. Thank. You. Good luck though, Rihanna.

“Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” (Ke$ha - Tik Tok)

Well that’s just going to chip a tooth innit. No plaque fighting or enamel protection there. I bet her breath stinks.

“I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way.” (Lady Gaga - Born This Way)

What exactly is the track that you’re on Lady Gaga? Judging from the looks of it, it’s the track to being sectioned. I guess if that’s what you’re aiming for then yep, you’re on the right track. I’m sure you’d love the straitjacket look. I bet you’d accessorise it with a pair of fishnet tights over your face, a hat made out of the souls of Peruvian children and pickled onion shoes.

And you definitely weren’t born that way Lady Gaga. You were a heck of a lot smaller… with a heck of a lot less random crap sellotaped to yourself.

“Hand you another drink, drink it if you can.” (The Wanted – Glad You Came)

I don’t know about you, but in my experience I have found that when somebody gets to the point of being unsure about whether they can drink another drink or not, they have reached the point when they should stop drinking. Do not hand them another drink. Continuing will usually lead to them passing out or throwing up, neither of which is a desirable outcome. I would avoid going out with The Wanted. They apparently pour drinks down into you, with no care for the outcome and then write cheesy songs about how glad they were about it.

“If I was your boyfriend, never let you go. Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone.” (Justin Bieber - Boyfriend)

Highly impractical. And way too possessive Justin. It’s bordering on stalkery. You may as well add “wear your underwear and steal your cat”. I’d never be alone?? I’m a bit of an introvert dude; I’m good with being alone. If you never left me alone then eventually I would rip off both your legs so you couldn’t follow me as I ran away… laughing… putting them on ebay to sell to ‘Beliebers’.

What if I need the loo? What then Justin? If I was always on your arm then how would that process work?  And showers?? You’ve got to put on ring on this before you get to my side of the shower-curtain boy. And the answer is no.